Post by Elkwoodjack on Jan 5, 2005 4:31:54 GMT -5
There are two kinds of horror movies, ones that let you watch and suck you into a vortex of terror... and then there's Gigli, one that makes you live the terror. Now, I saw this little gem marked down from $38.99 to $9.98 in less than a week so I had to get it! Lay off! I figured it was so good they marked it down so everybody could experience it- well I may aswell have, christ was it stupid getting that crap, oh yeah, review.
*puts on sick face*
Gigli... Gigli... Conan did it constantly on his show, now I understand why. Don't get me wrong, I already had low expectations but jeesh. A movie notorious for crap, actually bad? WHAAAAAA? Oh yeah, review.
*puts on sick face*
Gigli... The DVD box says "it's the film everyone's talking about" and boy howdy are they right, we couldn't stop ranting and raving about how painful the experience was, its true, trauma does bond people. Gigli is the story of a low level hood Larry Gigli, played by Ben Affleck Now, Gigli's reputation is that of a monster from hell, so he gets called in to do a hard job that could get his entire gang thrown away, because he screwed up an earlier job, now he needs a job like that to test his ability. Urgh, Gigli, anyway, his task is to kidnap the retarded brother of a federal prosecutor because he is oustide the gang's "range of influence." Gigli kidnaps him, but seeing as the gang doesn't trust Gigli, they send another crook with a solid reputation- J-Lo. As the two meet and the plot spirals out of control- wacky things happen that have no impact or meaning to the story whatsoever. You find yourself asking "is this a crime drama? is this a romantic comedy? why the fuck am I still watching this bullcrap?" Did I mention J-lo is a lesbian, that Ben will try to seduce- theres another question you'll be asking yourself "how does this dumbass turn a lesbian straight? was it when he called her a dykasaurus rexi? was it when he tried convincing her penises are better?"
Now, the acting is truly appaling, J-lo knows how to cut the tension of every single scene she needs intensity for, and she does it a LOT!. Ben Affleck is just plain annoying as a wannabe gangster who's really a frickin' wuss who hates the sght of blood but somehow got a huge rep big enough for the boss to rest the fate of his gang on. I counted exactly one scene where ben was convincing. One. That might be ok if the film wasn't 116 minutes long. 116! Its like Pearl harbour with no explosions and a less interesting romantic subplot. Here's the kicker- Christopher Walken and Al Pacino are in it. Yep, and they're as boring as fuck. Finally, a movie that successfuly made them boring, I'm actually impressed.
This movie looks like it was originally intended to be a teen buddy gangster comedy, running for 74 minutes max, its like they told the director- ok, make the teens Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, and make it go 42 minutes longer by having the characters repeat eveything they say twice. Yep, a 74 minute boring movie, stretched out to 116 minutes. Fun!
I've asked everyone I know who's seen it if they can think of a worse movie, but alas Gigli sits at the top, pushing what would be 2nd down to 8th in a top ten of crap, leaving 2-7 for Gigli. Maybe you want to buy this as a joke, but seriously, don't bother watching it. I guess thats the purpose of this review, to tell anyone getting the film as a joke to not watch it.
*vomits*
12/10 puddles of puke.
*puts on sick face*
Gigli... Gigli... Conan did it constantly on his show, now I understand why. Don't get me wrong, I already had low expectations but jeesh. A movie notorious for crap, actually bad? WHAAAAAA? Oh yeah, review.
*puts on sick face*
Gigli... The DVD box says "it's the film everyone's talking about" and boy howdy are they right, we couldn't stop ranting and raving about how painful the experience was, its true, trauma does bond people. Gigli is the story of a low level hood Larry Gigli, played by Ben Affleck Now, Gigli's reputation is that of a monster from hell, so he gets called in to do a hard job that could get his entire gang thrown away, because he screwed up an earlier job, now he needs a job like that to test his ability. Urgh, Gigli, anyway, his task is to kidnap the retarded brother of a federal prosecutor because he is oustide the gang's "range of influence." Gigli kidnaps him, but seeing as the gang doesn't trust Gigli, they send another crook with a solid reputation- J-Lo. As the two meet and the plot spirals out of control- wacky things happen that have no impact or meaning to the story whatsoever. You find yourself asking "is this a crime drama? is this a romantic comedy? why the fuck am I still watching this bullcrap?" Did I mention J-lo is a lesbian, that Ben will try to seduce- theres another question you'll be asking yourself "how does this dumbass turn a lesbian straight? was it when he called her a dykasaurus rexi? was it when he tried convincing her penises are better?"
Now, the acting is truly appaling, J-lo knows how to cut the tension of every single scene she needs intensity for, and she does it a LOT!. Ben Affleck is just plain annoying as a wannabe gangster who's really a frickin' wuss who hates the sght of blood but somehow got a huge rep big enough for the boss to rest the fate of his gang on. I counted exactly one scene where ben was convincing. One. That might be ok if the film wasn't 116 minutes long. 116! Its like Pearl harbour with no explosions and a less interesting romantic subplot. Here's the kicker- Christopher Walken and Al Pacino are in it. Yep, and they're as boring as fuck. Finally, a movie that successfuly made them boring, I'm actually impressed.
This movie looks like it was originally intended to be a teen buddy gangster comedy, running for 74 minutes max, its like they told the director- ok, make the teens Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, and make it go 42 minutes longer by having the characters repeat eveything they say twice. Yep, a 74 minute boring movie, stretched out to 116 minutes. Fun!
I've asked everyone I know who's seen it if they can think of a worse movie, but alas Gigli sits at the top, pushing what would be 2nd down to 8th in a top ten of crap, leaving 2-7 for Gigli. Maybe you want to buy this as a joke, but seriously, don't bother watching it. I guess thats the purpose of this review, to tell anyone getting the film as a joke to not watch it.
*vomits*
12/10 puddles of puke.
) was enough to remove my attention in the movie. I wasn't going to watch it when it was in the theatre, and I won't watch it now. 
But I'll take your word for it. Gigli looked bloody awful.
